14 posts tagged “samuel”
Today is Samuel's Angel Day. Had circumstances been different he would have been born in January and would currently be 9 y/o and in the 4th grade. I have written about him many times. Samuel's Story is here and then I wrote about him in 2007 and in 2008. I was thinking that his 10 year Angel Day would somehow be different than the past nine years. I'm not sure what I was expecting; some life altering revelation or something that has not happened.
Poems that have been written by Chris and/or me:
Samuel's Day
Your mother held you in her arms today,
And for a moment like a butterfly's flight
I saw an Angel hold an Angel
Your mother sang to you a lullaby today,
And for a moment like a kitten's breath
I saw an Angel sing to an Angel
Your mother gave you a kiss today,
And for a moment like a falling star
I saw an Angel kiss an Angel
You came and touched our lives today,
And for a moment like a rainbow shines
You were our little Angel
Your mother gave me a tearful smile today,
And for a moment that will last forever
I felt our little Angel
Four Weeks
Four weeks ago, today, I found out you were a boy.
And your heart still beat inside me
Four weeks ago tomorrow, my world started to lose it's joy.
But your heart still beat inside me
Four weeks ago, Thursday, my world was a hospital room
But your heart still beat inside me
Four weeks ago Friday, my world grew dimmer still
But for an hour, your heart beat beside me
Four weeks ago, Tuesday, I buried my world
and I buried the heart inside me
Four weeks still feels like yesterday. Is this my world?
No, because your heart still beats inside me
Missing you
Here I sit missing you
And feeling so blue
Can't seem to stop the "what if's"
And the "Should be's"
What if you were still here with me
How would my life be different
Would you have your Daddy's
Blue eyes, blonde curly hair, his temperment
Would your eyes light up,
Would you break into a big toothy grin
When I walk into the room
Would you be scared of the dogs
The vaccuum's varoom
These and many more are questions
I'll never have the answers to
I "should be" sitting here rocking you
But here I sit feeling blue
And missing you
As You Turn One
We should be celebrating your accomplishments
as you turn one
We should be weaning you from the bottle
as you turn one
We should be turning your car seat to face forward
as you turn one
We should be excited to see your first steps
as you turn one
We should be marveling at your first words
as you turn one
We should be wondering what new thing you would learn today
as you turn one
You should be giving hugs and kisses
as you turn one
You should be driving your big brother to distraction
as you turn one
You should be having cake and ice cream
as you turn one
You should be having lots of fun
as you turn one
I hope you are having a big celebration up in Heaven
as you turn one
I'm and down here celebrating the little time we had together
as you should be turning one
For the rest of the world it is the day before the anniversary of The Attack on America.
For me, it is the day the World fell out from under me. I've never been the same and I never will be.
Nine years. Sometimes it feels like last week and other times it feels like a life time ago.
Some families that have suffered the loss of an infant 'celebrate' the birth/death day by having cake, a special meal, having a balloon release, or other things to 'celebrate' the life that was supposed to be, but wasn't. I do nothing but cry and get hugs from my wonderful husband. Neither is wrong. Everyone does what it takes to get through the day.
Samuel,
Mommy is thinking of you today and everyday.
I've loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant.
I will always love you.
If I hadn't lost you, you would now be a big boy of 8 and in the 5th grade. Wow. That is so hard to imagine. I would love to know what it would be like, though.
Love you always,
Mommy
What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
Submitted by tammy
When answering the QotD I generally try to use the first (or maybe second) thing that pops into my mind after reading the question. Because of that I have to wonder if this question were asked six months ago or in six months would my thought process be different. See this time of year my inner self is obsessed with the events that made up the worst day/week/month/year of my life. September 10, 1999 I gave birth to my son, Samuel. He was extremely premature and died within moments after his birth. I saw him try to take a couple of breaths, but his death certificate lists his time of death as the same time as his time of birth.
Because my mind is never far from that day and the events that surrounded it when I read today's QotD two things came to mind almost simultaneously:
The first one happened the day after Samuel was born/died. I was still in the hospital and Chris had just left to go to the airport to pick up his mom---so I was all alone. The nurses on duty brought my baby to me. I held his little lifeless body in my arms for the last time. I sang a song to him, I stroked his little cheek, and I cried. It was so hard to give him back, but I did. As I was standing there in that hospital room feeling more alone than I had ever felt---I couldn't stand to be in my own skin I was going insane with grief and I was alone; the phone rang. It was my friend, Rhonda, calling to check on me. As soon as she heard me crying and found out I was alone---she hung up the phone and before I could even think she was at my side. (I found out later that she put her shoes on as she was driving down the road.) She was there. She let me cry, she supported me and didn't leave me alone. Once Chris, Jordan, and mil showed up she faded into the background and went home. I will never ever forget that Rhonda dropped everything and within minutes was by my side.
Fast forward seven years to August 2007. I'm facing another anniversary of Samuel's Day without the opportunity to visit his grave-site. I mention this to a brand new group of Internet friends and the next thing I know Ashley has gone to the cemetery and has taken many pictures for me. She cleaned up Samuel's headstone and took some amazing pictures, she even managed to randomly take a picture of the wind-chime that I had hung in the trees for Samuel. How amazing is that? Someone I've never met in real life took time out of her day to visit my baby because I couldn't. I will never ever forget Ashley's kindness. Never.
Something else that I find awesome is the people that own the cemetery where Samuel is buried; it is their belief that a parent shouldn't have to bury a baby/child. When that happens the funeral home/cemetery donates the plot of land and a basic headstone so parent's have a special place to bury their baby/child. Because of that Klein will always hold a special place for me, too.
For the past several years I've told myself repeatedly that I'm not going to let Sept. 10 and the days/weeks leading up to it get me down. I tell myself, starting in May or earlier, that this year I'm not going to spiral into a depression. I tell myself to just accept what life has thrown at me and go on about trying to live a happy life. I tell myself not to be upset when people in my real life choose to ignore the day. I tell myself that everyone else that something like this has happened to has managed to 'get over it' and has learned to live with it---so why can't I? I tell myself not to worry about not being able to visit the cemetery. I tell myself a lot of things.
I don't listen to myself.
Every year month I have this little hope that maybe this Sept. 10th I'll be pregnant and have something happy to think about. Well, that's about stupid. I get so mad at myself when I think these thoughts and then nature comes around to throw my hopes and dreams against the wall and smash them to smithereens all over again.
So, here I sit, September is coming fast and I can't seem to do anything but try to hold on for the ride. I feel myself slipping into depression and I'm powerless to stop it. It's not like this day will be any different from the rest in my life. He's always a part of me, I think of him every day. I miss him every day. Every day I wonder 'why?' and 'what if?'.
I tell myself to just be happy and thankful for what I do have.
I think I've forgotten how to be happy.
I often think I need to have a real life person to talk to about all of my secret thoughts and fears. Chris gets most of it....but there are times when even he doesn't get it. He is always trying to 'fix' me. I don't need to be fixed. I need someone to understand my thoughts and feelings. Someone to just let me feel what I feel....no matter what.
I fake happy well.
Last weekend I had the opportunity to go to Houston for a friend's wedding. My plan was to leave the hotel on Sunday morning, go to the cemetery, and then back to my BFF's house for the rest of my visit. I was flexible and nothing was written in stone, so when the opportunity arose for me to take two of my newly met in person friends to the airport for their flight home I was more than happy to volunteer for the task. The airport is on the way, just a couple of miles off the freeway and back, no big deal.
Kelly, Tiffany and I went to California Pizza Kitchen for lunch. I had a very yummy Waldorf Chicken Salad that I'm going to have to try and duplicate here at the house. Then it was off to find Kelly a souvenir or two for her children and finally to the airport. At first I was not at all concerned about getting around the airport. Sure, it's been seven years since I was there but it all looked the same and getting them to the drop-off point was no big deal. Hugs and farewells were exchanged and off I took. I wanted I45, not I59, so I started following signs---I must have missed one because suddenly I had no idea where I was (although I knew if I turned around I could find the airport again.) Then my BFF called to see where I was and how long it would be before I showed up at her house. I explained where I was and she told me how to find my way to the freeway. I missed another sign, or turn, or something because I found myself going the exact opposite way from where I wanted to be going. I was getting more and more frustrated (do you know how much gas is? Here I was wasting it on just driving around---I had things to do and people to see!). Eventually I found myself on I59, so I knew where I was and how to get to the cemetery. I was lost and driving extra places for over an hour.
I finally got on the road that the cemetery was on. It has grown up so much! Not at all the 'quiet' road that it was seven years ago. New subdivision, gas stations, a Wal~Mart SuperCenter and dozens of fast food chains have sprouted up in the area. I remembered the cemetery being hard to spot if you were going the speed limit and I remembered the landmark that was the sign to start slowing down. Luckily that hasn't changed and I did not miss the entrance to the cemetery nor did I have to slam on my brakes in order to make the turn. I drove around to the back where the Garden of the Innocence is, parked the car, got out, and immediately started bawling my eyes out. I was not prepared for that. I didn't expect to cry. I'd been so matter of fact about the whole 'seeing Samuel's Spot' that the emotions that go along with it surprised me. It had been seven years since I'd been there and I had forgotten that it wasn't easy. So many new gravestones have been added, so many new broken hearts and life changing events. I took a couple of pictures before I walked up to try to find Samuel's Spot.
When Samuel was first buried here the grave markers did not extend to or beyond the statue of the little girl.
I sobbed and cried for a few minutes. Sat down beside his marker (making sure not to sit on anyone else's Angel). I replaced his worn faded flowers that the cemetery workers put into vases when the old stuff starts looking too bad, with fresh fake flowers. I took a picture.
Then I wandered the cemetery looking at the new markers and at some of the old ones that I remembered, like the triplet babies and the sisters buried side by side. I mourned for all the old and new angels alike. I ached for all of the parents, grandparents, and other loved ones left behind. I spotted two markers side by side that are sunken into the ground. I can only hope that the cemetery workers see it and get them leveled out before the parents come by for a visit and have their hearts torn up because their angel isn't getting good care. The breeze was blowing making the wind chimes sing and dance, but there aren't as many as there used to be. Samuel's wind chime is gone and the cemetery has a new rule saying that safety regulations keep them from putting up new chimes. Soon, the Angel children that I have always envisioned running and playing making the wind chimes play will be silent forever.
Just like Samuel.
I'm off to Houston, TX.
I'm going to Ashley's wedding.
I'm going to meet these peeps from my 'hood:
and last but definitely not least: Kelly who introduced me to these wonderful women and a whole slew of others that we will be meeting. About 20 of us all together from two different on-line groups. I'm so lucky to know them on-line and now I will be even luckier to meet them in person.
I'm going to be rooming with someone that I've only ever chatted with through the group. I hope she doesn't snore! LOL!! Maybe she should hope I don't snore.
Tonight, spending the night with my parents as I am dropping Jordan off so they can take him dow to Florida and the beach on Friday.
Thursday night I will be with my BFF from the neighborhood that I used to live in when we lived in the Houston area.
Friday night, supper and drinks with the 'girls'. Saturday will be a semi-relaxed day while we hang out do some shopping and some eating before the wedding at 7:00 (or is it 7:30---I guess I should double check).
Sunday morning I will check out of the hotel and go visit Samuel's Spot before heading back to my BFF's house. Spend the rest of Sunday and Monday with her and the neighbors then on Tuesday it is on the road back home.
I won't have time or internet access so until next Wednesday!
Ya'll have a great week.
I've been invited to a wedding in Houston, TX. When I was first invited I didn't know if I would get to go. Then today verything fell into place and I am going.
I gave up birthday and Mother's Day gifts for this trip.
Sure, I get to drive 700 miles one way, plus whatever I put on the car once I get there, and 700 miles back home...all by myself. But, I get to go! I am getting to stay at the Doubletree in downtown Houston! I am rooming with some one I've never met before. (I hope she doesn't smoke---) After the wedding I will be driving north about 20 miles (if that) and staying with my old BFF in my old neighborhood. I will get to visit with all the ladies I used to hang out with everyday....I haven't seen them in nearly seven years.
I'm going to have a lot of fun meeting new people, renewing freindships and just generally having a good time all by myself. Chris doesn't want to go and Jordan will be going to Florida with my parents.
But, most importantly-------I get to go visit Samuel's gravesite.
~contented sigh~
Today is Samuel's Angel Day. (You can read his story here)
If he hadn't come early and if he hadn't of died...today would just be another day. Some time in January we would be celebrating an 8th birthday. He should be in 2nd grade. I wonder how different our lives would be if he had lived. Would he be into football like Jordan was at that age? Would he be more athletic than Jordan, as book smart, what/who would he look like? Blond hair, blue eyes most assuredly as that is what Chris and I have, but would it be curly like his Dad's was or straight as a board like mine? Would his body type be more like my family or more like Chris's? I think of him and I 'see' the little tiny baby that I held and watch die. I think of him and I remember the heartbreaking deep all consuming grief that was my life for so long. When Samuel is weighing heavy on my mind I tend to get short-tempered and snappy with Jordaon. That's not fair to Jordan or to Samuel's memory.
Someone sent me a message late last night. In it they wished Samuel a 'Happy Heavenly Birthday'. Okay, I can see that...but at the same time, in order for my son to have a 'Happy Heavenly Birthday' then I am left here on Earth feeling lost and empty without him.
There have been many times since he came and went in my life that I've wondered what my purpose here on Earth is. Right now it is to be the best Mom and wife I can be. It is to raise Jordan up to be a mature responsible adult. Since my whole life I've wanted many children, one of these days when we are in the right place; physically and mentally, then we will expand our family. We will go into the Foster/Adoptive program and adopt at least one and maybe even more....but, we would have done this even if Samuel had lived.
....I'm back down to 158.
I'm no longer excited to step on the scale every morning. I 'hate' having to 'plan' what would be a good thing to eat today to go along with what I've already eaten or to go with what has been planned for supper. Sodas are pretty much non-exsisent in my day to day life: they've been replaced by coffee in the morning and juice or gatorade later in the day; with some diet teas thrown in here and there. I've been trying different diet drinks and find that I can tolerate the taste of some of them, but for the most part I still can't take the diet after taste. blech! I keep waiting to feel excited about 'how far I've come' and it just isn't happening. Maybe it's because the only clothing I own that I can wear is still the same elastic waist stretchy things. We have a wedding to go to in three weeks. I had originally wanted to be down 10 pounds by then....I may be....but I still won't have any decent 'going to a wedding' clothes that I'll be able to wear. I hate to spend money on an outfit that I will only wear once....~sigh~
Today my great nephew turns 8. Today it's been 8 years since I had the ultrasound that showed Samuel was a boy. Anyone else see why this is a bittersweet day for me?
I don't want to work today. I want to sit around, play on the computer, and think about 8 years ago and what I should have done differently at that doctor's appointment...things that may have changed what would happen just four days later. God, I hate this week of September.
Who cares that it is only 8:45 in the morning....I need a drink.
I believe there are Angels among us.
This is dedicated to my new friend and Angel
She will never know how much her fabulous offer has meant to me. Her offer has shone a light in a spot in my life that had gone dark. I 'met' her just two days ago. She is a truly wonderful person.
Thank you, Ashley
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